I need to write in order to stay sane. It’s a release of sorts. I think its important, especially dealing with the topics we deal with, to release everything.
So the following is a free write. Its what ever my thumbs throw at the page. It may be prose or poetry, it may be true or false. And i’ve had enough foreplay.
My dark apartment:
Ever have that feeling a bug is crawling on you only to realize a bug is actually crawling on you? Ever clean your apartment for three hours after that fighting the same bug like it was an extra in starship troopers? That’s the night I had last night.
Tonight, or 32 minutes until tomorrow, its different. Its somber. Its a silent stranglehold that hovers over my entire self.
I keep going back to the site although there is nothing going on. Its like I keep fighting against something that grows bigger each time I hit it.
There isn’t much you learn until you are tested. Benchmarks, I believe is the correct term. I think I’ve confirmed something about myself in the last couple of months. I’m an idealist. And prior to this, that was something I always hung my hat on. But right now, I’ve come to realize what happens to idealists when they are faced with the weight of the world in front of them.
The world is stronger.
And while that sounds like I am making a dissent into nihilism, it really isn’t. I’m not stopping. Which is the thing that most impresses me about myself.
Context: growing up, I always wanted to be a knight. One of my favorite books in high school was Sir Thomas Mallory’s “Le Mort D’Arthur,” which, in english, translates to “the death of arthur.” The book was about the stories of king arthur and the knights of the round table. It was stories of nobility and chivalry.
In my early college years, which I now realize was close to 5 years ago, my friends/family would make fun of me because I had an obsession with these things. I now realize there still is a place for warriors clad in metaphorical silver armor.
The advocacy we are doing, for everyone, will never stop. The human race will not allow it. And the continue fighting we do for all of you is noble, its chivalrous. Which makes me happy, even though it deals with so many sad aspects. It reaffirms who I always thought I was/am.
While there is alot here I could turn into a halfway decent column, I’ll leave it in the questionable ranting state in which it exists. Partially because I have to save a princess in a tower at the base of the mountain; mainly because i’m too lazy to edit.
Well, this is my first free write for the rhv blog. I hope its easy to follow. I’ll do my best to find something worth writing about tomorrow. If you have a subject you would like to learn more about (other than my own personal neurosis) please leave a comment or send Lori and I a message. Regardless i’ll come prepared tomorrow. Off to go find ideas. Night!